A year ago, I noticed that all my websites had been deleted off their previous hosting. After several attempts to restore my old websites and blogs, I abandoned the project and didn’t touch it till now… a year later. I have other domains I considered using, but I feel like Soul Weaver encompasses everything and I’m just looking to get started. That’s one of the hardest things for me to do as a late-diagnosed AuDHD (Autistic with ADHD) person; get started.
My close friend cbb coined the phrase “trying to start from finished” a few years ago on one of our many long phone calls. It’s something we remind each other of when we’ve gone down many rabbit holes and enough theories to make our heads spin without taking even one single action towards actually doing the thing. “I’ve been sitting on this project for 3 weeks because… I haven’t actually talked to them about… I’ve got this awesome new planner, but I can’t seem to decide on the right method for using it.” And then the other person says “ahhh yes. Looks like you’re trying to start from finished again, eh?” Which is often met with “aww man. yeah.” or some cursing along with “you right. dammit and thanks.”
Then we help the other break things down until we have the tiniest action to take that we can do right now in this moment. And so it has been the way with my first blog post for..ever. And here we are!
One of the biggest problems I have with blogging is that trying to start from finished looks like task paralysis, but I don’t know how the story ends yet and don’t want to tell it if I don’t think I’ll like the outcome. It’s a proven method that has kept me from writing for many years now. I’m very practiced at it. But when you follow that logic a bit, it quickly collapses. Aside from fiction, when do you know the ending of the story before it ends? We can have ideas around what we think we want the story to be, but we can’t know the ending. And it’s not for me to decide what anyone gets out of my writing. It’s just up to me whether I want to write or not. And I do. I miss it. I don’t do great when I’m not writing. It’s a very necessary part of me.
So I’m going to publlish this now as I’m falling asleep. I want this blog to be more about expressing myself and whatever’s going on in my head vs crafting a narrative for an imagined audience.